99 Days Without You
by souleaterevansss
Summary: Follow Maka's journal entries as she writes about the 99 days she spent after Soul's death. How will she cope?
1. Chapter 1

99 Days Without You

Dear Soul,

It has been 3 weeks since you've been gone. I haven't been doing very well. Our friends and Dr. Stein sent me to a therapist and she suggested (more like instructed) that I write down my feelings in this journal. I think everyone is hoping that I'll forget and move on. But how can I? You're all I think about. Your messy white hair. The mischevious glint your ruby eyes would get when you would tease me about being a bookworm. It is impossible to forget you. I won't forget you.

Everyone is worried about me. Even I'm worried about me. They think my depression will go too far, which is why I'm writing my thoughts in this journal. The therapist is going to read what I write and that makes me a bit uncomfortable. But I'm only going to write about you because you are every thought I have.

When she reads this, she'll tell the others. And I honestly don't care. I want the world to know. Everyone knew we were together, but they didn't know we were together _together. _What horrible timing we had to realize we were in love. The world was almost overcome by maddness and everyone was fighting it. But I suscummed and fell in love with you. I suppose I should've realized it sooner, but I was so oblivious. You made it obvious with the little things you did, like making me tea when I was upset about Papa or letting me sleep with you when things got too overwhemling.

So I'm going to tell you how it's been for me without you here. I'm going to start from Day One, the day you left this world.

Day One:

It was the day after our fight with the scorpian witch, Serqet. I knew you had gotten hit in your human form, but Dr. Stein said it was no big deal, so I brushed it off. Plus, you didn't seem to be in any pain and I know how annoyed you get when I worry about you, so I didn't make a big deal.

I was waiting in the kitchen since it was your turn to make breakfast. It was already eleven and I thought you were just being lazy like always and hoping I'd make you something.

"Soul!" I had called, annoyed.

When you didn't answer, I stormed into your room and said, "Honestly Soul, you got to take responsiblilty. If I abide by our schedule, then you should too!"

When you didn't respond with a cuss word or groan, I walked over to your bed and let out a scream. You were dead. I climbed onto your bed and held you in my arms. I thought maybe, just maybe, you could be alive. I didn't want to check to see if your soul was there because if it wasn't, it would shatter me to pieces. When I finally got the courage to check, I let out another scream, a horrible, horrible scream.

Despite this, I called an ambulance and when they arrived, they only confirmed what I already knew.

You were dead.

Day Two

Everyone came to your funeral. Even Lord Death, who could now move freely thanks to the Kishin being gone, attended.

Our friends cried, even people we hardly talked to cried. It was an open casket and I almost didn't work up the courgae to look at you. Even in death, you are still breathtakingly beautiful. When they closed the casket, I almost stopped them. But Black Star lifted me away. Away from you. I couldn't breathe when I realized that was the last time I would ever look at you.

How could you leave me, you idiot? We were supposed to collect all the souls and turn you into the best Death Scythe the world has ever seen. How could you leave me? No, you wouldn't leave me. You're coming back, right Soul? Everyone misses you. No one ever smiles anymore. I miss your smile.

Day Three

The whole house is silent now that you're gone. Normally, I would have appreciated that silence but now I would give anything to hear you playing those stupid video games that you like so much, or bouncing a basketball in your room. I haven't uttered a word since you left. There are no words worth saying if you're not around to hear them.

Day Four

The forth day was the day I brought myself to go into your room. I was overwhelmed by your scent and fell on my knees, tears in my eyes. It seems like crying and missing you is all I do nowadays.

Under your bed was a journal and a sheet music. If I had found it before you were gone, I would've teased you relentlessly. I thought cool guys didn't keep diaries, I would've said. But when I opened the journal and read through it's contents, I began to cry all over again. Soul, you _idiot._ You wrote you loved me since you first saw me. Why didn't you tell me? Our time together was so short, and if you had told me how you felt from the start, we could've fallen even more in love. I climbed into your bed and pretended you were there, holding me.

Day Five

Papa came over on day five. He began fussing over me and begging me to eat. I just ignored him, like I always do. He tried holding me, but I shoved him away. The last person who ever held me was you, and I wanted to keep it that way. Once Papa realized his attempts to consol me were futile, he left crying. Why was he crying? He's never known the pain of losing someone you love so fiercly that you lose a piece of yourself when they go. You took a piece of me with you Soul.

Day Six

Dr. Stein came over that day. He blamed himself for your death and though I'd never say it aloud, I did too. He said the poison wasn't going to hurt you. He urged us to keep fighting. You said you were okay. And I believed you. Both Dr. Stein and I are to blame for your death. After apologizing myraids of times, he left. I didn't say anything to him. His apologies wouldn't bring you back to me, so what was the point of accepting them?

Day Seven

It was hard to believe I lasted a whole week without you. Being in our home drives me insane. Everywhere I turn, there's a reminder of you. I see your favorite mug on the counter, your sneakers by the couch, your headband on the coffee table. But most of all, the piano sitting smack in the middle of our living room brought back a ton of memories. I remember how you were always so reluctant to play for me, but when we started dating and I told you how much I loved your playing, you'd play everyday for me. Heck, our first kiss was on that piano bench. Please come back, Soul. Come back and play me one more song.

**A/N: wOW I CRIED A LITTLE WHILE WRITING THIS I REALLY HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES. HI I'M JESS AND THIS ISNT MY FIRST FIC BUT I GOT TIRED OF MY OTHER ACCOUNT SO I MADE A NEW ONE. PLEASE REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK :))))) **


	2. Chapter 2

Day Eight- Eighteen

A ten-day lapse probably seems like a lot to you, but I promise nothing important or interesting happened. I woke up, forced myself to eat, puked it out, and went back to sleep. Nothing feels right without you.

Day Nineteen

I looked through our photo albums today. I never realized how many pictures I took of you. And what amazed me is that there are several photos of you doing everyday things. But my favorite one is one of you looking directly into the camera. I remember the day I took that picture. You were playing video games, like always, and I was trying to get your attention. Not now, you kept on saying. Fine, I had said, I'll go see if Kid will pay attention to me. I knew how easily jealous you get, so I used it to my advantage. You dropped your controller and playfully glared, before giving me the most beautiful, breathtaking smile. I snapped the picture and you leaped on top of me, planting kisses everywhere.

Day Twenty

Tsubaki came over. At first she was silent. She made me dinner and sat with me for a while. Then she asked me if I wanted to talk about it. What was there to talk about? The love of my life is gone. You're never coming back. There was nothing to say.

Day Twenty-One

I'm all caught up now. The third week was the week I got the journal. I was hoping things would have gotten easier by now but if anything they've gotten harder. It seems like my whole life revolved around you, Soul, because I find that there's no point in anything if you're not around.

Have I mentioned that I miss you?

Day Twenty-two

You must be so disappointed in me. You would always talk about how strong I was. You said it was one of the things you admired about me. I guess you gave me strength to be who I was because when I think about that girl, she seems like a stranger. I'm trying to get better, Soul, I really am. But all I want is for things to be like they way they were before.

Day Twenty-three

Kid, much to my surprise, came over. He talked about you and I was glad he did. It seems like he and I are the only ones acting like you never existed. Kid said he liked you, despite how asymmetrical your hair was all the time. For the first time since you left, I smiled. Kid must've noticed it too because his golden eyes lit up. After he left, I went back into your room, where I allow myself to sleep once a week. I put on your black and yellow hoodie and thought about how your messy white hair would look if it were perfectly symmetrical. I almost laughed.

Day Twenty-four

Can I just say that I wasn't thrilled about the whole therapy thing? Everyone insisted I go, even Lord Death himself. I went reluctantly and still didn't speak. I wrote down my answers to all the therapist's ridiculous questions. Why was I sad? The love of my life is gone forever, that's why. You were like the morning sun, and it's like I'm living in a world of ever-lasting night.

Day Twenty-five

I know you're going to think I'm crazy, but sometimes I feel like you're here with me. Most people would think that its crazy and scary, but I find it comforting.

Day Twenty-six

My therapist has instructed me to stop writing these entries. She says that it is unsettling that I write to you as though you will someday read them. She thinks that I'm regressing, but in all honesty I feel like this is helping. You know how closed off I am, so writing letters directed to the only person I trust with my life is the only way I can cope.

Day twenty-seven through thirty

During these three days I read. I read sad books, so maybe there'd be a sadder story than mine. But there wasn't. No one could be sadder than me.

Day thirty-one

Today Lord Death asked me to return to the Academy. I didn't know if I could bear it. But somehow, I got through the day. I nodded when people offered their condolences and wrote down notes in class. I did everything I had to do to distract myself from acknowledging that you weren't by my side.

Day thirty-two

Kid didn't leave my side the whole day. Out of all our friends, he is the only one who understands. He's lost people he loves and doesn't try to act as though you were never here, which I appreciate. Black Star and Tsubaki defeated Serqet, by the way. Black Star said he couldn't just let the witch who killed his best friend keep on living. I nodded and he smiled hesitantly, something he has never done before.

Day thirty-three through forty

I feel horrible. I didn't write to you for a whole week. I'm just so tired all the time. I barely manage to get up sometimes. I just want to sleep all the time. You would understand, since you're going to sleep for an eternity. Shit. Was that rude of me? I'm sorry. I wonder what happens when you die. Some people say there's no life after and you spend your afterlife surrounded in a world of black. Oh gosh, I hope you're not surrounded by a world of black. You belong up in heaven surrounded by angels. Maybe you're playing piano up there, while the angels sing. Maybe you can become my guardian angel and come play for me.

Day Forty-one

The day I found your journal I also found some sheet music. I haven't written about it before, but I've been trying to teach myself how to play the piano. I wouldn't have bothered if you hadn't written 'To Maka" on the sheet music. You were writing me a song and I had no idea. On the surface, you were just a cool guy. You always joked around and acted as if nothing fazed you. That's how you came off to the rest of the world. Then there was the Soul I knew. The Soul who I had dance parties with, the Soul who liked to cuddle, the Soul who couldn't sleep without drinking tea first, the Soul who played piano just for me, the Soul I fell in love with. Damn it, Soul, I love you so much. How could you leave me? I'm going to stop writing before I lose myself again.

Day Forty-two

Kid came over again. He's teaching me how to play the piano, a skill I was surprised to learn he had. I don't know why I was surprised though, since Kid is very cultured and appreciates beautiful things. Of course, I didn't show him your song to me because I wanted to be the only one to hear it. But he taught me how to play some chords and for the first time in the past forty days, I felt slightly alive.

Day Forty-three through forty-seven

I spent those days the way I spent day forty-two. Wake up, eat a bit, sleep, wake up again, piano lessons with Kid, and sleep again. A thought just occurred to me. _Yes,_ Soul, I do shower.

Day Forty-Eight

Remember that time I was crying over my Momma not being around and you brought me a cup of tea and held me all night? I really could use that right now. I'm starting to forget what it felt like when you held me and it's tearing me apart.

Day Forty-Nine

School today was uneventful. I refuse to make eye contact with Professor Stein because the guilty looks he gives me make me want to rip him apart. Kid and I have become isolated from the rest of the gang. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I just can't handle being around them. In our free time, Kid and I go to the library and read books you liked.

Day Fifty

Up to now, I'd been holding on to a small sliver of hope that you'd come back. I was hoping that this was all just a long nightmare that I'd wake up from. But it's not. It's been fifty days since we were last together. I spent the entire day in your room, wearing a pair of your sweats. I thought I was going to be okay until I noticed an unfinished book on the nightstand. An unfinished glass of water, an unfinished essay, an unfinished movie on your DVD player. You had so many things to do! You were too young to go and I can't help but to wish that it were me who died instead. I leaped up from your bed and into my restroom, where I threw up. I love you so much it makes me sick.


	3. Chapter 3

Day fifty-one

I went to the hospital today. It was pretty stupid of me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I began to destroy everything in my room. I threw books against the wall, my lamp, my phone, perfume bottles, my hairbrush, anything I could get my hands on. I looked into the mirror and began to cry. I didn't know who I was anymore. Without giving it a second thought, I punched the mirror and it shattered. I didn't move, I only stared at my bloody knuckles, wondering why I couldn't feel a thing. I don't know how long I stood there, a minute, an hour or a day. Kid came and found me holding my hand. "You _idiot!"_ He shouted. Then he took me to the hospital, where I received several stitches.

Day fifty-two

There's a bandage on my hand, so it's a bit difficult for me to write. My fingers are okay, though, so I'll still be able to play the piano fine. Hey, Soul, remember the time you came home really tired but you still stayed up all night just to talk to me? I feel like I'm sort of doing the same thing, in a way. I'm so tired but I'm making an effort to write to you. Kid is here, so I have to go. I love you.

Day fifty-three

I'm going to quit the DWMA.

Lord Death called me to his room today and asked how I was doing. I'm fine, I muttered, the first words I've said in a while.

"Maka," He said as gently as possible, "don't you think it's time for you to find a new partner? Soul is gone, and you need a wea-"

I left before he could finish his sentence. Soul is gone. Soul is gone. Soul is gone. How could he be so heartless? How could he think that I would even consider working with someone else? You're the only one for me Soul. You'll always be my weapon, and I'll always be your meister.

Day fifty-four

Today, for the first time in a while, Papa came over to see me. I guess Lord Death must have told him about how rudely I acted, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel any regret. When he saw me, he said, "Maka! Have you eaten anything?" I shook my head. I didn't bother trying to eat anymore. I would just throw it up later. Papa made me food and forced me to eat it. My stomach hurt a lot and he made sure I didn't throw up by giving me medicine. When he left, I climbed into your bed and tried to sleep. By the way, it was your turn to make dinner today. I sort of miss your burned eggs.

Day fifty-five

I had to go to the therapist today. Somehow, Papa and Kid found out that I had been skipping my sessions. When I spoke to her, she scolded me for still writing. She told me I was living in the past and not allowing myself to heal, move forward and accept that you're gone.

But I don't want to move forward. I don't want to leave you behind. I love you and I always will.

Day fifty-six

Kid came over for my piano lessons, as usual. I didn't want him to leave and I guess he could tell. He slept on the couch and I slept in your room. It felt nice not being alone. But I couldn't sleep and bad memories kept on playing in my mind. Finding your body, your funeral, the last time I saw you. Silently, I went to the medicine cabinet and took five sleeping pills. They knocked me out.

Day fifty-seven

When I woke up that morning I felt really groggy and didn't know where I was. I walked into the living room, where Kid was sitting. I was kind of confused as to why he was here. He patted the spot next to him and I sat down.

"Where's Soul?" I asked.

And then I remembered. I began to cry. For those few minutes, I had forgotten you were gone. I felt like you just weren't home. Kid was crying too, but I feel like he was crying out of pity for me. He stopped crying before I did. Then, he scooped me in his arms and held me. I cried even more.

I wanted you to be the last person to hold me.

Day fifty-eight

I passed out today and woke up in the hospital with several wires hooked into my body. Nothing is wrong with me, so why am I here?

Kid says I passed out due to hunger, but I don't feel hungry at all. I don't feel anything but the pain of not having you here, Soul. It hurts so much. I feel like there's a hole in my chest and it throbs at the thought of you being gone.

The doctor diagnosed me with chronic depression. Now I have to take anti-depressants, and the thought of that makes me even more depressed.

Day fifty-nine through sixty

I'm starting to forget what you look like. I thought I had your face imbedded on to my brain, but I'm starting to forget how you looked when you were annoyed, how you looked when you were happy or how you looked when you were with me. Sure, I can look at pictures, but it just isn't the same. I'm starting to forget and I don't like it at all. I already lost you. I can't lose my memories of you too.

Day sixty-one

I'm still in the hospital. Apparently I'm too underweight, depressed and stressed. I just want to leave and go back to your room. Being in this hospital room is making me anxious and its plain old boring.

Will you play the piano for me?

Day sixty-two

The doctor suggested I live with Papa. I almost threw up at the thought. Sure, I'm lonely, but if I do move in with him, who will take care of our home? And your room is one of the last connections I have to you. I don't want to leave you, Soul.

Day sixty-three

After several hours of Papa begging and the doctor saying it was the only way I could get better, I agreed to move in with my dad. I don't want to, Soul, I really don't want to, but they're making me. Right now I'm packing my clothes and other things. I walked into your room and grabbed your hoodie and your journal. I feel like every time I put on your hoodie, you're giving me a warm hug, which is something I desperately need. I need you, Soul. So much.

Also, I hope you don't mind me taking your things.

Day sixty-four

I spent the day unpacking my things and trying to avoid Papa's watchful eyes. I know he means well, but I just want to be alone. Can't he see that?

Day sixty-five

Today I woke up to Black Star and Patty jumping on top of me while Kid, Liz and Tsubaki watched in horror. To my surprise and theirs, I laughed. It felt nice. It was the first time I laughed in a while. We spent the day watching movies. I insisted we watch Captain America, since I know it's one of your favorites. Several times, I found myself turning around, expecting you to make a comment about the movie.

Day sixty-six

Remember when we beat the Kishin? We were all pretty shocked that I could turn into a weapon. I mean, me, as a weapon! After we were back in the DWMA, you were pretty quiet and I asked you what was wrong. You thought that I would want to find myself a meister and leave you. I laughed and said that I would never leave you. How could I leave you? I love you so much I can't function properly without you. In the end, you left me.

Day sixty-seven through eighty-five

I know what you're thinking, Soul. How could I squeeze 18 days into one tiny entry? The truth is, it's not that hard. Every single one of those days was spent the same way. I'd wake up, force down the breakfast Papa made, play the piano, and read. I'm not reading books anymore. I just read your journal over and over again. Your last entry was about me. Heck, nearly the whole thing was about me. I never thought I'd admit it but I always thought I loved you more than you loved me. Clearly, you loved me more than I could imagine. By the way, I almost have your whole song down. How could you write such beautiful and dedicate it to me?

Day eighty-six

I often spend a lot of time thinking about how things would be if you hadn't gone. Would you be holding me right now? You probably would. I remember how much you loved to cuddle.

Day eighty-seven through ninety

The gang has worked up the nerve to talk about you in front of me, which is nice. I feel a sense of relief, but I also feel a stab of pain. I'm almost back to a healthy weight, much to everyone's delight. But if I'm gaining weight, then why do I feel so empty inside?

Day ninety-one

I begged Papa to let me go home today. At first he refused, but he finally broke after I told him that being in my normal environment would help me heal. So I spent day ninety-one moving back into our home. I don't know why but I felt as though someone went in and emptied your room. This filled me with anxiety and I nearly passed out with relief when I walked in and found your room exactly as it was. The hole in my chest seemed to relax when I engulfed myself in your sheets.

Day ninety-two

When I woke up, I was ashamed of myself. I realized I hadn't gone to visit your grave once. I dressed in my now normal attire: one of your hoodies, jeans and sneakers. I went to the store and bought you red roses. I almost thought I wouldn't be able to face your grave, but somehow I did. I laid down the flowers by the others. Mine were the only red ones. Didn't these people know that red was your favorite color?

Day ninety-three

I woke up in front of your grave that day.

Day ninety-four

The gang dragged me to the beach today. The water felt too cold to swim in, but then again, I felt cold all the time.

"Come in the water, Maka! It's not that cold after a while!" Liz invited from inside the water.

I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even answer her. I began to cry and Black Star and Kid carried me away, while I screamed your name, begging you to come back to me.

I thought it would be easier by now but it seems so much harder.

Day ninety-five

I could've sworn I heard your voice today, Soul. My heart began to beat faster and just to make sure, I checked if there were any souls nearby. None. Maybe angels don't have souls? I can't take this pain anymore, Soul, I can't. I'm tired of pretending to be strong.

Day ninety-six

I spent the day with Papa. He was really happy. It was nice, seeing him smile. I'm going to miss him.

Day ninety-seven

I invited the gang over and told them how much I loved them. They didn't seem to question it. I told them how lucky I was to have them and how thankful I was for them.

"Well, how could you not love me, Maka? Everyone loves Stars like me. Of course, there are no other stars like me." Black Star said. I laughed and hugged every one of them.

Day ninety-eight

I was finally able to play your song, Soul. And it is beautiful. I can't wait to see you again. I love you.

Day ninety-nine

Dear Soul,

This is my last day without you. Ninety-nine days without you have been hell on earth. These ninety-nine days without you have felt like an eternity and I can't stay here any longer. I'm in your room now, Soul and I'm going to take some sleeping pills. I love you so much and see you soon.

Love,

Maka.

_When Kid found Maka's body, it was too late. He found her journal on the ground, along with Soul's song. He called an ambulance despite the fact that he knew she was dead, just as Maka had done with Soul._

_When the rest of the gang arrived, they cried. They lost another friend. Maka's Papa handled it the worst._

_Maka stared down sadly at them, sorry for all the pain she was causing them._

"_Yo. Maka." A familiar voice said._

_Maka turned around so quickly she almost fainted. There, right in front of her with his hand held out, was Soul. He was wearing a black tux and a red shirt, the way he dressed when he would play the piano._

"_Soul!" Maka shouted. And she was in his arms. Where she would remain happily for all eternity. With Soul and the angels._

**A/N: wow I really hate myself right now! **

**Please review and tell me what you thought and if you cried bc I was crying throughout the whole thing lol **


End file.
